


Keeping you Afloat

by aphamericanhero



Series: Usuk event writings [6]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, For usukustwiceperyear "recovery is possible" event, M/M, Self-Harm, WARNINGS:, eating problem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-17 15:35:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18101399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aphamericanhero/pseuds/aphamericanhero
Summary: Alfred’s mental illness has gotten worse, and Arthur is doing everything he can to prevent him from doing something he'll regret.





	Keeping you Afloat

Alfred heard the gentle knocking but ignored it, lacking the energy to do something as simple as calling out a response. Instead, he just continued to stare blankly at the wall, his mind swirling with emotions yet somehow at the same time amazingly blank.

“Alfred?” It was the voice of his boyfriend, Arthur, who had been so supportive through all of this, and yet…

“Alfred, I brought breakfast and your medication. Please poppet I haven’t seen you eat properly in days. Indulge me just this once.” Alfred’s mind screamed at him to say something, anything, and he wanted to say that his once ravenous appetite was now a barely present flicker, that sometimes when he ate, he felt nauseous, like his body couldn’t even muster up the energy to digest food. However, his mouth stayed sealed, and silence settled over the room like a heavy fog.

Hearing no response, Arthur sighed and came in, and Alfred lying in bed, mindlessly scrolling through silly articles and Wikipedia pages on his phone. Arthur put the food on bedside table, his green eyes swimming with worry as he tried to get Alfred’s attention. The blue-eyed blond looked up, and was met by Arthur’s small smile, but the warmth it usually contained was masked by his eyes.

Alfred took his meds and sluggishly grabbed the bagel that was laid out, slathering on cream cheese and taking a bite. It was good, and the nausea didn’t come up right away, but as soon as he swallowed, he felt his hunger diminish. But, to make his boyfriend happy, he finished the bagel and the few strips of bacon that accompanied it, washing it down with apple juice. He gave Arthur a quick peck on the cheek and laid back down, wanting to go back to sleep. The other man, however, was having none of it and elbowed him rather roughly.

“Absolutely not. Go make yourself presentable. We’re going out.” He ordered before taking the dishes and leaving. Alfred groaned but complied and went to go take a shower, knowing how they were like magic potions that always made him feel better. He sang loudly as the water cascaded down his body so he wouldn’t be alone with his turbulent thoughts. When he finished, he toweled off his hair and wrapped it around his lower waist, opening his closet and throwing on an outfit that would meet his boyfriend’s standards.

When Arthur returned, he hummed in approval and the two got in the car. “Where are we going?” Alfred asked, an edge of worry in his voice. Tons of possibilities swirled through his head: were they going to get some groceries? Or maybe going to the library? Alfred wrung his hands. Oh no. Were they going to see the doctor? He couldn’t handle seeing his doctor right now. How could Arthur go behind his back like that? He fiddled with his hair nervously, suddenly uncomfortable in his seat.

  
Arthur exhaled softly. “Relax love. We’re just going to the park.” He noticed as Alfred instantly became less rigid. The rest of the journey was dead quiet, Arthur eventually turning on the radio to fill the silence.

When they arrived, Alfred noticed his friend Gilbert and smiled, quickly rushing over to him as Arthur stayed behind. His mood quickly changed for the better as the two joked with each other, going around petting people’s dogs and daring the other to do ridiculous stunts like jumping off the top of the swing set and going across the top of the monkey bars by handstand. Eventually, Gilbert had to leave, and the two friends said their goodbyes, leaving Alfred with a smile that hadn’t graced his face in a long while.

Arthur walked up to him. “I’m assuming the two of you had fun risking your lives.” He said, crossing his arms and scoffing.

The bespectacled blond laughed, swatting him dismissively. “Relax Arthur! We wouldn’t have gotten hurt.”

“You say that but all it takes is one mistake. Plus, imagine the example you are setting for the children! What if one of them tried to do what you did? They would have easily snapped their necks!”

Alfred pouted. “I’m sure their parents would’ve stopped them.” He assured, doing his best to bury the thought of a child’s injury on his hands.

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Come on. Let’s just go.” Arthur's scolding was meant in jest and was happy to see Alfred seemingly back to his usual wacky self, but Alfred was trying not to show how much the green-eyed blond's evident disappointment cut into him like a knife.

The couple went to Alfred’s favorite restaurant, and their little squabble was soon forgotten as Arthur let Alfred order whatever he wanted. After that, the two got ice-cream and walked around the park some more before heading back home.

Once there Alfred changed into something more comfortable, throwing his clothes in their room and slumping down on the couch. He cuddled up with a blanket and soon succumbed to the sudden tiredness he felt. He awoke to Arthur's small pout, which Alfred always found cute.

“Oh good. I was wondering when you’d wake up. Here. Eat this.” It was just a simple sandwich, and Alfred stared at it, blinking a few times before turning away.

“Not hungry.”

“Come on poppet, please. You were making such great progress today.”

“I said I’m not hungry.”

Arthur exhaled, trying to keep his patience. “Just do it Alfred. For me.” Alfred took it reluctantly, and his boyfriend smiled. “Thank you. Now can you please not sleep on the couch? I don’t want you to hurt your back.” Alfred nodded and got up, heading towards the bedroom.

Alfred, suddenly unable to sleep, spent at least another hour mindlessly scrolling before Arthur took his phone away. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, but sleep did not come. The minutes melted away into hours and soon Alfred grew tired of counting the dots on the ceiling. The clock shone a bright ‘2:30’ into his eyes and Alfred sighed, turning over and counting sheep to prevent the dark thoughts from flooding his brain. Eventually the soothing repetition worked its magic, but it was still another hour before Alfred was able to slip into the world of dreams.  
He awoke the next morning feeling like shit, his lethargic mood not being helped by the slight headache he felt. He took his meds but adamantly refused any food, Arthur’s scolding about leaving his clothes everywhere falling on deaf ears. Although, he did hear the green-eyed blond’s annoyed sigh as he began to clean the room, and the soft shut of the door as he left.

His heart hurt.

When Alfred did emerge from his room, he was very monosyllabic, and over time it was easy to notice Arthur’s repressed annoyance mounting as his attempts at conversation quickly reached dead ends. Their home became uncomfortably quiet, and it seemed like the two were spending less and less time together. Arthur’s gentle requests became more and more aggressive, and each one hurt Alfred’s esteem more than the last. Eventually, Arthur gave up trying to make Alfred eat or take a shower, and he stopped trying to drag him out of their room or spend time together outside. Somehow, this made Alfred's heart hurt most of all.

When Arthur saw the bespectacled blond's clothes on the floor once again, he exploded, his repressed emotions erupting like a volcano. “Oh, come off it, Alfred! I am bloody tired of you acting like some kind of ‘edgelord’ as you would call it, like the world should pity you just because you’re depressed! That just because you feel bad, you're going to drag everyone else down with you! Newsflash, the world doesn’t care how you feel! It will stomp on your heart and your dreams no matter what! And I have been patient and supportive and have tried my damn hardest to make you feel better, and you spit it right back in my face! Your mental illness isn’t an excuse to treat people like shit!”

Alfred stood up, trying not to cry. “Well, you pity me all the time! Treat me like a baby! Like I’m too fragile to take care of myself and anything that comes my way is going to shatter me! I’m a grown man! I can take care of myself!”

“Really? Can you? Unless my memory is failing me, you wouldn’t eat, take a shower, go out, or do anything else than stay in that bloody bed unless I made you! You’re acting like a child Alfred. Come back when you’re ready to grow up.”

Arthur slammed the door shut and Alfred sank to his knees and sobbed, the tears he tried so hard to hold back running down his face in streams. He had failed Arthur, who loved him, who had done nothing but support and care for him. And look how he had treated him. Those thoughts that he had tried so hard to repress came flooding in. He was scum. He was worthless. He deserved nothing. He wanted to die. Alfred searched for anything sharp enough to hurt, eyes landing on some scissors Arthur used for his embroidery. He drove the point into his skin, took it out, and repeated the process over and over again. He was stupid and selfish. He deserved this for making Arthur put up with his bullshit.

Eventually Alfred angrily threw the bloody scissors across the room. His wounds burned red hot and he was getting blood all over the sheets, but he couldn’t be bothered to care. When the pain finally subsided Alfred took some sleeping pills to quickly fall asleep, but his dreams were plagued by regrets.

The next morning Alfred awoke to an empty bed, and a quick search of the house confirmed that Arthur had left. Alfred started to cry all over again, remembering the events that happened last night. Alfred didn’t even bother to lock the door. If someone broke in, he wouldn’t care, even if they took everything and stabbed him, leaving him to bleed out on the floor. Death would hurt less than this, he mused bitterly as he headed back to his room. He wasted the rest of the day sleeping, reality being too painful for him to deal with at the moment.

A sharp knock on the door tore him from his blissful slumber, but Alfred didn’t have the energy to go see who it was. Hopefully they would just go away. It was only when his phone started buzzing that he made a move. As he glanced at the caller ID he tensed. What did Arthur want? Was he going to yell at him more? Heart pounding, he picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Hello Alfred, it’s uh, me, Arthur.” A humorless laugh. “Funny story, actually. I forgot my keys. Could you let me in?” Despite Alfred’s nerves he smiled. He had been telling him for weeks that he needed to attach them to his car keys, lest he take one without the other, and guess what? It was just as he predicted.

Alfred's smile turned into a frown as he remembered the situation however, and he took a deep breath. Might as well get it over with. “Sure.” Alfred got up and stretched, each step towards the door feeling like a mile. He reached the door and with shaky hands he turned the knob. Arthur's face instantly softened when he saw Alfred and wrapped the man in a hug. Alfred quickly returned it, and for once the silence that accompanied it wasn’t of a negative nature.

Once inside, Arthur was the first one to break the silence. “I'm so sorry Alfred. I shouldn’t have said those awful things to you, I know you’re depressed, and you can’t help things sometimes-”

Alfred raised a hand, cutting him off, too ashamed to look him in the eye. “No, I should be the one apologizing. You’ve been nothing but understanding and I didn’t appreciate that or even try to help improve the situation. I’ve been really selfish and I’m sorry.”

Arthur shook his head. “I guess we're both on the wrong here. But you were right Alfred, I did baby you instead of actually trying to help you get better.” He lifted Alfred's chin. “Alfred, look at me. I hate seeing you like this, and I know you don’t want to see a doctor, but I feel like at this rate you need to.”

The depressed blond sighed. “It’s not all your fault. I should’ve told you how I was feeling instead of bottling it up. And alright, I’ll go as long as you’re there. And Arthur?”

“Yes?”

“Are we ok?”

Arthur smiled. “Of course, dearest. I love you.”

Alfred smiled back. “I love you too.” After that the two sat down and had a long talk. Arthur told Alfred how much he regretted storming out, and how he should’ve tried to get him professional help sooner. Alfred sheepishly showed Arthur what he had done to himself and Arthur freaked out, making sure it wasn’t infected and properly tending to it as he scolded him and told him that harming himself never helped anything. A few tears were shed on both ends, and they ended up falling asleep in each other’s arms.

The next morning, they scheduled Alfred’s doctor appointment and the bespectacled blond managed to spend considerable amounts of time outside his room. However, his appetite was still an issue, and Arthur made him promise to bring it up along with his insomnia tomorrow when they visited the doctor.

The following day, Arthur held Alfred’s hand to prevent him from twisting his hair as they sat in the waiting room. Once inside the room, the doctor pulled up Alfred’s file after performing some basic checks on his physical health.

“So Mr. Jones, what seems to be the problem?”

Alfred looked at Arthur, who gave him an encouraging smile. Inhaling deeply, he described how low his appetite had been lately, how much trouble he had falling asleep, and how his self-deprecating and suicidal thoughts had been more frequent.

The doctor's eyebrows furrowed. “That is worrying.” He looked at Alfred’s file. “How long have you been on your current dosage?”

He shrugged. “A couple months, maybe?”

“And no checkup since?” Alfred shook his head. “Well, no wonder you’ve been feeling like this. You’re still on the initial dose, and most people don’t stay on it. We can up your dosage, and you’ll be feeling much better!” After sorting everything out both Alfred and Arthur thanked the doctor profusely as they headed out.

“So you’ll take 2 pills instead of one until your new medication comes, right?”

Alfred nodded.

“Alright then. I’ll remember to remind you.”

It took a couple of days, but Alfred's condition improved. He felt much more motivated, and much more lively. He felt hungry again. The house was soon filled with Alfred’s mindless chatter. Everything seemed to be returning to what it once was. And while there were relapses and bad days, they struggled through them together, and it never became as bad as it used to be before Alfred upped his dosage.

The couple was snuggled together on the couch when Alfred took Arthur’s hand.

“Hey Arthur? I just want to thank you for always being there for me.”

Arthur smiled and kissed him.

“You’re welcome love. No matter what happens, I’ll always be here for you.”

 


End file.
